You are waiting on a beach for a healing word to come. Maybe an apology in a bottle. Maybe a flare that says I'm sorry. And the hurting leaves you numb. I have alternated in the last few weeks between being cold, always cold. I will turn the heat up until it is unbearable for anyone else, and still feel cold on the inside, deep in my bones, deep in the flow of my blood. I will sit in the car with the fan turned up all the way, all of the vents pointed toward me and my teeth will still chatter, I will still feel uncomfortably chilled. I don't even have to be exposed to the outside in any recent past -- I am just cold, almost all of the time. When I am not busy being cold, I feel like my lungs and my chest and my heart, and my stomach and all of my insides are being squeezed in a vise, like someone has wrapped both of their hands around my important parts, like you do with a baseball bat, and is squeezing me. I can't breathe, I feel panicky. The truth of the matter is that I am depressed. Or tired of being exhausted all the time. Or tired of being at a standstill all the time. I am in control of all of these things but I am changing nothing, it's my fault. It's becoming easier and easier to just get by rather than live. I have to spend days working myself up to go do anything besides my "normal" home-work-home routine everyday. That's the way we get by, the way we get by.. For example, I decided I wanted to go to Boom this weekend with Denis, having forgotten that it's going to be New Year's Eve and you'll need to get tickets. I don't have any way to get in to get tickets, and so we won't get tickets, they will be full, and I won't be able to go. That realization is almost enough to make me not want to go to town this weekend at all. :P Entry Soundtrack:
Disclaimer: These are my personal thoughts, emotions and opinions -- they are not intended to offend or aggress upon anyone. Likewise, though I do appreciate a constructively critical comment on occasion, I prefer non-hateful and thoughtful comments with respect to myself. I shouldn't have any problems with that though, we're all grown ups here, right? Please note that any offensive, aggressive and anonymous comments will be deleted from my comments, notes and guestbook, as I like knowing that the rest of my readership doesn't have to read that trash. Also, the HTML on this design has been designed solely by myself, Amanda Neal, and song lyrics are from the song "Wild Horses" by Natasha Bedingfield.
Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 ~ 6:16 p.m.
Let It Go - Newsboys
The Way We Get By - Spoon